PSYCHOLOGICAL VIOLENCE IN DIGITAL RELATIONSHIPS - Deborah Breda - ETHICA SOCIETAS-Rivista di scienze umane e sociali

From online surveillance to persecutory acts: how to recognize the escalation of “grey” stalking

Abstract: New forms of “grey” psychological violence manifest through digital tactics such as orbiting, ghosting, and breadcrumbing—behaviors often minimized yet capable of generating anxiety, self-censorship, and a persistent sense of surveillance. Through the narration of a real case, the article illustrates how online control can become a concrete alarm when combined with physical behaviors, marking a potential escalation toward stalking. Psychological indicators, the legal thresholds established by Article 612-bis of the Italian Criminal Code, and the role of the Questore’s warning as a preventive tool are examined. The aim is to provide clear criteria for recognizing, documenting, and countering these dynamics early, restoring awareness and protection to the victim.

Keywords: #DigitalStalking #PsychologicalViolence #DigitalControl #Orbiting #Ghosting #Breadcrumbing #LoveBombing #Gaslighting #MentalHealth #TraumaBond #RedFlags #GenderBasedViolence #StopViolence #StopStalking #BreakTheSilence #Psychology #DigitalPsychology #EmotionalEducation #ToxicRelationships #SafetyFirst #VictimProtection #WomenProtection #HumanRights #QuestoreWarning #StalkingLaw #Article612bis #Awareness #RaiseAwareness #BreakTheCycle #SupportEachOther #Storytelling #SocialAwareness #DigitalCulture #CyberSafety #DeborahBreda #EthicaSocietas #ScientificJournal #ethicasocietasrivista #rivistascientifica #ethicasocietasupli

versione italiana

From Likes to Chocolates: When Digital Control Crosses a Boundary

“I’m not sure, maybe I’m exaggerating… but I think I’m being stalked.”

These words, spoken in a trembling voice laden with uncertainty, are not simply the beginning of a conversation. They are the gateway to the heart of contemporary psychological violence. From that whispered doubt emerged the need to write this article.

The young woman who pronounced those words was not describing horror-movie scenarios. She was recounting what our culture still tends to minimize: the insidious experience of an ex-partner who, after the breakup, disappeared from the chats but not from her digital orbit.

A subtle, persistent form of orbiting—the obsessive viewing of every one of her Instagram stories—interspersed with sudden silences, ghosting that left emptiness behind. A draining pattern that she, like millions of others, attributed to her own “oversensitivity.”

Until that morning. Until that morning when she found a box of chocolates on her car. That box was not sweetness; it was geolocation. It wasn’t a thought; it was a signature left on the bodywork of her life.

It was the tangible proof that the digital gaze had materialized, that surveillance had learned her route, her schedule, her parking spot. In that instant, the “grey” violence crossed a boundary: from screen to street, from potential to real.

This experience, in its tragic normality, leads us to the core of the phenomenon: exploring the grey zone where psychological violence manifests through subtle, minimized digital tactics, and understanding when and how this fog condenses into concrete warning signs.

The box of chocolates thus becomes the symbol of a crucial transition: the moment when the victim stops asking “Am I overreacting?” and begins asking “How do I protect myself?”

Introduction: Panoptic Control and “Grey” Psychological Stalking

Imagine feeling watched, without ever seeing the observer. Living with the constant anxiety that every move you make online is being monitored. This is the essence of digital panoptic control, inspired by philosopher Jeremy Bentham’s idea of a prison in which an invisible guard can see everyone, instilling self-censorship in the inmates.

In digital relationships, orbiting is its perfect example: an ex-partner or even a stranger who, without ever messaging you, views every one of your Instagram stories, likes old posts, and maintains a spectral presence. The subtle but powerful message is: “I see you. I know what you do. I’m here.”

No verbal threat, yet an irrational fear and a sense of constant surveillance take hold.

Together with tactics like ghosting (disappearing) and breadcrumbing (leaving crumbs of attention), this forms the heart of a new kind of psychological violence. Individually, these behaviors may seem ambiguous. But when they become systematic patterns, they create dynamics of uncertainty, control, and fear that undermine psychological freedom.

They often do not meet the legal definition of stalking, as explicit threats or harassment—required under Italian law (Art. 612-bis c.p.)—may be absent. Yet the psychological harm is real and lasting: chronic anxiety, insomnia, altered daily habits, fear of using social media.

We call this reality “grey” psychological stalking—a liminal space where no formal crime may exist, but psychological violence is palpable and devastating.

Digital Manipulation Tactics: Definitions, Examples, and Concrete Harm

These are not simple “bad habits.” These are deliberate tactics that, when repeated, generate a structured cycle of suffering.

Orbiting – Passive Surveillance

After the breakup, he/she vanishes from the chats but remains in your digital orbit.

Example: Views all your stories immediately, checks your new profile pictures, leaves a random like on an old post.

Harm: You stop posting spontaneously out of fear of silent judgment. You anxiously check who views your stories. You feel watched even at home. It’s panoptic anxiety.

Ghosting – Punitive Disappearance

Intense communication suddenly stops without explanation.

Example: After weeks of daily messages and dates, he/she disappears. You text and call… nothing.

Harm: You blame yourself, replay conversations, wait obsessively for a notification. It is a relational trauma that undermines trust.

Breadcrumbing – Crumbs of Hope

Minimal and intermittent signals to keep you emotionally hooked.

Example: Every two weeks a “Hey, how are you?” or a heart emoji—then vanishes when you try to make plans.

Harm: You stay emotionally available for the next “crumb,” creating dependence on uncertainty.

Love Bombing and Withdrawal – The Trap of Idealization

Intense affection, gifts, promises—followed by cold distance.

Example: After two weeks of daily romantic dates, replies slow down, cancellations begin.

Harm: You feel indebted to the initial “love” and tolerate behaviors you never would have before. A cyclic manipulation forming a trauma bond.

Phubbing – Daily Exclusion

Ignoring your physical presence in favor of the smartphone.

Example: At dinner, he/she constantly scrolls or chats.

Harm: You feel invisible and unimportant, damaging intimacy and security.

From “Grey” Control to Persecutory Alarm: When Digital Invades Reality

Italian law on stalking (Art. 612-bis) requires repeated behaviors causing a “persistent and severe state of anxiety or fear” or significant lifestyle changes.

On their own, digital “grey” behaviors may not reach this threshold.

But their meaning changes radically once they cross the screen.

When digital actions are paired with offline behaviors—even seemingly “innocent” ones—they become red flags of a potential persecutory escalation.

Examples:

Weeks of orbiting, then the ex begins appearing “by chance” outside the gym, near home, or in regular hangouts.
After ghosting periods, he/she suddenly shows up at your workplace.
Breadcrumbing (“Where are you?” messages) combined with indirect inquiries to mutual friends about your movements.

At this point, the behavior is not just “weird.” It becomes part of a multidimensional pattern of control and monitoring, signaling clear intent and potential danger.

The Questore’s Warning: A Crucial Preventive Tool for “Grey” Alarm

Because escalation from “grey” psychological violence to criminal stalking can be gradual, Italian law provides a key administrative safeguard: the Questore’s warning (Art. 8, Italian law L. 38/2009).

The victim can go to the police with documentation (screenshots + diary of physical apparitions). This step signals recurrence and risk, often stopping escalation without a criminal trial.

Prevention and Intervention Strategies

Do not underestimate integration: digital orbiting + “casual” appearances are not coincidences.
Systematic documentation:
- Digital: screenshots, obsessive views, ambiguous messages.
- Physical: dates, times, places, descriptions, witnesses, photos when safe.
Build a support network: tell trusted friends, family, coworkers, building staff.
Act quickly with authorities: file a detailed report with all documentation.
Seek psychological support: to manage anxiety and obtain professional certification of psychological harm.

Conclusions

Orbiting, ghosting, breadcrumbing are not “modern quirks.” They are the smoke signals of a fire in the soul: unspoken words that wound more than a slap.

They outline the map of “grey” psychological stalking, a toxic fog where the victim loses herself, doubting her own perceptions.

But there is a moment when the digital fog condenses into a real figure— a shadow outside the office, a car parked where it shouldn’t be. It is the moment when grey shifts into the color of fear. In this thin space, the Questore’s warning becomes a line of protection. Not a criminal sentence, but an institutional stop when behavior is already harmful. It acknowledges that the box of chocolates left on a car is not a detail—it is evidence of a boundary crossed.

Documenting is not paranoia. It is writing your truth before someone else erases it. Trusting your gut is not weakness—it is the beginning of safety. Because the highest price is not today’s anxiety, but the freedom you may no longer feel as yours tomorrow.